Good Enough is my Super Power

Good Enough is my Super Power

Dive into understanding kids’ perfectionism and the power of good enough. The blog post offers insight into an 8-year-old’s challenges and discovering how to embrace a growth mindset beyond “mistakes help me learn.” Many parents struggle to understand why their child exhibits perfectionism when they don’t necessarily overemphasize achievement and are confused how to help their children. Learn practical strategies for fostering the superpower of good enough.

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Emotional Intelligence: Chief to Success

Although not a huge football fanatic by nature, watching my hometown Chiefs these past few seasons, culminating in their Super Bowl win, has made a huge fan out of me. Like many, I am obsessed with Patrick Mahomes. Sure, he has talent, but his emotional intelligence is what is really striking and paved the way to his and the Chiefs’ success. 

Emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ) is a term coined by researchers Peter Salavoy and John Mayer and popularized by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book, “Emotional Intelligence.” Emotional intelligence involves:

  • Recognizing emotions in yourself and others.

  • Understanding how emotions affect behavior and thinking.

  • Managing emotions effectively to achieve goals.

Emotional intelligence is linked to improved communication, reduced stress, more connected relationships, improved conflict resolution and resilience. These can lead to improved personal and professional life success. Here are some guidelines for helping develop and use emotional intelligence.

Understand Your Emotions

Emotions give us information about our environment. When we appreciate emotions as a source of information, we can more effectively respond to them. For example:

  • Sad: a feeling related to loss, disappointment or missing out.

    Perhaps, we’ve missed out on something or we miss someone. Responses include empathy, validation, expression, seeking ways to reconnect or finding another way to be engaged. I think of the Disney movie “Inside Out” when I think of the sad emotion. They tried to get rid of it, but sad needed to be experienced and allowed for connection.

  • Happy: I like what’s going on.

    Being aware of what makes us (and others) happy allows us to be grateful, find enjoyment and include more of it so we can balance out the negative with the positive. 

  • Mad: I have a problem. Something is not going my way.

    Being frustrated or mad means a problem has occurred. It leads to empathy. The knowledge may trigger pausing to gather one’s thoughts to brainstorm and consider solutions to the problem. 

  • Anxiety: Something dangerous is about to happen; consider this the Red Zone. 

    Mild anxiety: Pay attention or plan for a situation; consider this the Yellow Zone.

    Anxiety is our body’s alarm system, triggering the fight or flight system. Anxiety sometimes, jumps to the Red Zone instead of staying in the Yellow. For example, we feel stressed when we have too much to do. This is an appropriate response and means we need a plan to manage it.

Name Them to Tame Them 

Naming emotions means recognizing and validating them, for ourselves and others. Using language helps reactivate the thinking part of the brain, which is often disconnected or dampened when emotions are high.

  • Notice emotions without judging them as good or bad. Too often, we consider being angry or anxious as “bad.” Consider simply saying, “I am feeling anxious.” 

  • Validate and model emotion identification in others by naming the emotion and the situation. For example, “You seem overwhelmed with how many things you have to do right now,” or “You’re frustrated because something didn’t go your way.”

Take a Breath
A key to managing emotions is to create space between the situation and one’s emotions, so we can respond (thinking brain) vs. react (feeling brain). Breathing is all about creating the pause and creating space. 

  • Consider breathing as a way to interrupt a train of thought and strong feeling, rather than a way to get rid of it. 

  • Practice taking a breath between activities as a way to clear the mind. Let go of what happened or what might happen and move to the next activity with focus. Practicing this pause when calm will make it more effective when more necessary.

  • Use apps to help clear the mind. Popular apps include CalmInsight Timer, and Headspace.

Foster a Growth Mindset
In the words of Patrick Mahomes, “I just try to be the best Patrick Mahomes I can be.” Being the best person you can be does not necessarily equate to winning outcomes. But for Mahomes, it likely means he focuses on what he can control, learns from mistakes and avoids comparing himself to others in ways that lead to finding himself lacking. 

  • Comparing ourselves to others often leads to envy or inadequacy at the expense of neglecting our own growth and development. Nurturing and growing strengths allows us to become more confident. Instead of adhering to the old adage of “The grass is always greener on the other side,” revise it “Water your own grass.”

  • The only way to grow brains is to do challenging things. Rather than viewing challenges from a place of fear, view them as opportunities for growth. Resilience only develops in the face of adversity. Corrections, grades and tests are designed to provide feedback not evaluation of a person’s worth.

Emotional intelligence is key to becoming confident, resilient and successful. Name, honor, and validate feelings. Respect the information feelings are trying to communicate. Be the best you can be, whatever the situation.

Want to know your EQ? Take a quiz.  Emotional Intelligence Test (2019). Psychology Today)

For more information on EQ, check out these articles:
Thirteen Signs of High Emotional Intelligence by Justin BarisoFive Components of Emotional Intelligence by Kendra Cherry and Amy MorinTeaching Emotional Intelligence by Catherine Moore 
Is Emotional Intelligence Relevant for Kids by Catherine Moore

Shots are a pain but they don't have to be

Shots are a pain but they don't have to be

The only way to be protected this year against the flu is by getting the vaccine - in other words: a shot! Shots themselves don't cause as much distress as the anxiety about shots does. The good news is that are strategies that can minimize the anxiety before the shot and the pain of the shot. 

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Blowing the Mads and Sads Away: Breathing to Self-Calm

Self-calming is a key skill your child can learn.  The most basic strategy you can teach your child is to breathe slowly and gently to help calm the body’s physical reaction to distress (i.e., the fight or flight feelings). When the body feels bad and is in a state of distress, it’s hard to think or be logical. These physical feelings are like the scary music in a movie. I’m dating myself – but think of the Jaws movie. What makes it so suspenseful and scary is the music! It’s not so scary if there’s no music. Use these strategies to minimize the “music,” decrease overall stress, and self-calm.

Help your child understand what happens to our bodies when angry, frustrated, anxious, etc. Use a doll or drawing to point out the following physical reactions:

  • Heart beating fast or pounding
  • Breathing fast; feeling short of breath
  • Stomachache or nausea
  • Hot
  • Tight muscles
  • Feeling light-headed or dizzy
  • Headache
  • Tears
  • Shaky
  • Restless energy

Teach your child slow, gentle breathing.

  • Explain: Our bodies are really good at getting upset (or insert other emotions) but not so good at calming down. Our job is to teach it. Let’s talk about how you can help your body to feel better.
  • Demonstrate slow, gentle breathing:

1.      Put one hand on your chest below your neck and the other hand right above your belly button. Pretend you have a big balloon in your tummy. Let’s fill it up. Watch you hand go up as you fill it up. Now let it out slowly. Great job! One more time. This helps your body feel calm and relaxed. *Some children also like to do this exercise lying down on the floor.

2.      Our bodies are better at getting upset than calming down. If you want to get better at something, what do we do? That’s right – we practice! Practicing breathing can be pretty boring but I know a secret. The secret is how to blow really awesome bubbles. If you breathe in really slow and let it out gentle, then you can blow super bubbles. Let’s see who can blow the most bubbles. *If your child has trouble blowing bubbles, you can have him “help you” blow the bubbles by breathing in and out just like you as you blow the bubbles. You can also use a pinwheel.

3.      Now let’s practice blowing pretend bubbles. Blow “bubbles.” Did you see how many bubbles I blew? Let’s see how many you can do. Let’s imagine blowing your mads (or other feeling) away. Watch them float away.

  • Practice daily. We’re going to practice this every day so we get really good at breathing and feeling calm so when we do get upset, the breathing will work better to help us calm our bodies. This is great for mommies and daddies to practice too. I’m glad we’re going to work together.

R einforce and model the breathing.

1.      Make a habit of breathing every time you change activities (get in/out of car, finish breakfast, go upstairs, etc). Take a slow, gentle breath – like a big sigh. It releases the tension and stress that builds up during the day and helps clear the mind to get ready for the next activity. Do this with your child or remark that you are taking a break and a taking a breath so that the child might join you. This is a life skill that helps reduce overall stress. You might be surprised at how much you benefit from using this strategy!

2.      When your child is upset, breathe with your child. State the emotion and situation. You are so upset we have to leave. I know it would be more fun if we could stay but we have to go. Use the cue: Let’s blow the sads (or mads) away.

3.      Only give your child one, at the most two reminders. You cannot force your child to breathe when upset. You can only model, suggest, and reinforce it. That’s OK if you don’t want to take a breath, but I’m going to take a couple before we leave. Then model the slow, gentle breathing.

4.      Every time you see your child practicing, pay attention and/or praise their effort (even if it didn’t work so well). I’m proud of you for trying your breathing, even if it didn’t help as much as you wanted. I saw you stop and take a breath when upset – you’re doing a great job teaching your body to calm down.

5.      Model breathing when upset. When you have a problem situation arise, talk out loud and about your feelings, the situation, and your breathing. I am upset right now or that didn’t go as expected. I’m going to take a few breaths to calm down before I decide what to do.

It takes practice and consistency to develop this skill, but you and your child will be glad you did!

Setting up You and Your Child for Success Series

Setting up You and Your Child for Success Series

I'm so excited to be teaming up with Village Pediatrics, LLC and Pediatric Partners for a series of presentations offering parents support and guidance to build their child's confidence and emotional resilience as well as their own. There is so much information out there in books, blogs, and websites. My goal is to streamline the multitude of information and put it in easy to understand terms.

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