Although not a huge football fanatic by nature, watching my hometown Chiefs these past few seasons, culminating in their Super Bowl win, has made a huge fan out of me. Like many, I am obsessed with Patrick Mahomes. Sure, he has talent, but his emotional intelligence is what is really striking and paved the way to his and the Chiefs’ success.
Emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ) is a term coined by researchers Peter Salavoy and John Mayer and popularized by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book, “Emotional Intelligence.” Emotional intelligence involves:
Recognizing emotions in yourself and others.
Understanding how emotions affect behavior and thinking.
Managing emotions effectively to achieve goals.
Emotional intelligence is linked to improved communication, reduced stress, more connected relationships, improved conflict resolution and resilience. These can lead to improved personal and professional life success. Here are some guidelines for helping develop and use emotional intelligence.
Understand Your Emotions
Emotions give us information about our environment. When we appreciate emotions as a source of information, we can more effectively respond to them. For example:
Sad: a feeling related to loss, disappointment or missing out.
Perhaps, we’ve missed out on something or we miss someone. Responses include empathy, validation, expression, seeking ways to reconnect or finding another way to be engaged. I think of the Disney movie “Inside Out” when I think of the sad emotion. They tried to get rid of it, but sad needed to be experienced and allowed for connection.
Happy: I like what’s going on.
Being aware of what makes us (and others) happy allows us to be grateful, find enjoyment and include more of it so we can balance out the negative with the positive.
Mad: I have a problem. Something is not going my way.
Being frustrated or mad means a problem has occurred. It leads to empathy. The knowledge may trigger pausing to gather one’s thoughts to brainstorm and consider solutions to the problem.
Anxiety: Something dangerous is about to happen; consider this the Red Zone.
Mild anxiety: Pay attention or plan for a situation; consider this the Yellow Zone.
Anxiety is our body’s alarm system, triggering the fight or flight system. Anxiety sometimes, jumps to the Red Zone instead of staying in the Yellow. For example, we feel stressed when we have too much to do. This is an appropriate response and means we need a plan to manage it.
Name Them to Tame Them
Naming emotions means recognizing and validating them, for ourselves and others. Using language helps reactivate the thinking part of the brain, which is often disconnected or dampened when emotions are high.
Notice emotions without judging them as good or bad. Too often, we consider being angry or anxious as “bad.” Consider simply saying, “I am feeling anxious.”
Validate and model emotion identification in others by naming the emotion and the situation. For example, “You seem overwhelmed with how many things you have to do right now,” or “You’re frustrated because something didn’t go your way.”
Take a Breath
A key to managing emotions is to create space between the situation and one’s emotions, so we can respond (thinking brain) vs. react (feeling brain). Breathing is all about creating the pause and creating space.
Consider breathing as a way to interrupt a train of thought and strong feeling, rather than a way to get rid of it.
Practice taking a breath between activities as a way to clear the mind. Let go of what happened or what might happen and move to the next activity with focus. Practicing this pause when calm will make it more effective when more necessary.
Use apps to help clear the mind. Popular apps include Calm, Insight Timer, and Headspace.
Foster a Growth Mindset
In the words of Patrick Mahomes, “I just try to be the best Patrick Mahomes I can be.” Being the best person you can be does not necessarily equate to winning outcomes. But for Mahomes, it likely means he focuses on what he can control, learns from mistakes and avoids comparing himself to others in ways that lead to finding himself lacking.
Comparing ourselves to others often leads to envy or inadequacy at the expense of neglecting our own growth and development. Nurturing and growing strengths allows us to become more confident. Instead of adhering to the old adage of “The grass is always greener on the other side,” revise it “Water your own grass.”
The only way to grow brains is to do challenging things. Rather than viewing challenges from a place of fear, view them as opportunities for growth. Resilience only develops in the face of adversity. Corrections, grades and tests are designed to provide feedback not evaluation of a person’s worth.
Emotional intelligence is key to becoming confident, resilient and successful. Name, honor, and validate feelings. Respect the information feelings are trying to communicate. Be the best you can be, whatever the situation.
Want to know your EQ? Take a quiz. Emotional Intelligence Test (2019). Psychology Today)
For more information on EQ, check out these articles:
Thirteen Signs of High Emotional Intelligence by Justin BarisoFive Components of Emotional Intelligence by Kendra Cherry and Amy MorinTeaching Emotional Intelligence by Catherine Moore
Is Emotional Intelligence Relevant for Kids by Catherine Moore
