Can we care too much about mental health? I think we can. As a psychologist, I 100% appreciate that mental health is getting more attention and isn't such a taboo topic. But somewhere along the way, it became one more thing to optimize, right along with our sleep, our productivity, and even our looks (yes, "looksmaxxing" is a thing). Everywhere we turn, especially on social media, someone is telling us how to improve it. But what does good mental health actually look like?
From my perspective, it doesn't mean being happy all the time. Mental health tends to ebb and flow. Think of mental health as a road in our life. We need good infrastructure, like basic sleep, food, relationships, and a sense of direction (i.e., values and goals). We're going to hit bumps, encounter road construction, and even have unexpected detours, but we don't want to get stuck in the potholes. Good mental health means having the resilience to bounce back, lean on our people and ourselves, and appreciate the good things along the way.
Spending too much time and energy on mental health can backfire. We start treating normal sadness like a disorder or trying to fix feelings that simply need to be felt. Kids might bond over their struggles in ways that keep them stuck, and parents can worry so much about getting it right that the pressure becomes overwhelming.
So why are we so focused on optimizing? Maslow's hierarchy of needs helps explain it. The base is physical needs (food, water, warmth), followed by safety and security. Next comes belonging and love, and at the top, self-actualization.
When the basics are covered, we have more room to focus on ourselves. That's a good thing, until it turns into a never-ending project. Trying to be your "best self" and make the "best choices" every day can create a lot of anxiety, especially with a constant stream of advice on how to do it better.
That constant advice can turn mental health into one more thing we have to do. We try to follow every tip and do everything right, but it never feels like we're doing a good enough job. The playbooks keep changing, and the goalposts keep moving. Ironically, all that pressure to improve our mental health can make it worse.
Maybe we weren't made to be optimized. Maybe we're better off letting relationships, belonging, and community share the spotlight. Focusing on others gives us perspective. It's hard to stay wrapped up in our own worries while we're helping a neighbor or really listening to a friend. Helping others also tends to feel good and reminds us that we matter to someone. Focusing a little less on our own mental health can actually be good for it.
What Helps:
Sometimes we equate feeling happy with good mental health, so when we're not happy, it feels like something must be wrong. Recent research on the pursuit of happiness found that wanting to be happy isn't the problem. What gets in the way is constantly checking in ("Am I happy? How about now?") and judging ourselves when we don't feel happy enough. That judgment can leave us disappointed even during good moments. What helps is accepting our feelings, including the uncomfortable ones, and spending time with the people around us.
It's easy to call ourselves "depressed" when sad, disappointed, or worn out might be a better fit. Hard feelings usually make sense in context. Losing a job, a shifting friend group, or simply having too much on our plates can explain why we're struggling. If you've moved or started a new school or job, feeling lonely while you find your footing makes sense, too. Building relationships takes time. None of this makes the struggle any less real. It just doesn't automatically mean something is wrong with us.
A disorder is different from a hard feeling or a rough stretch. It's a pattern of feelings, thoughts, or behaviors that is ongoing or keeps coming back, goes beyond what we'd expect for someone's age and situation, and causes significant distress or gets in the way of daily life. Hard feelings still deserve care and support, and you don't need a diagnosis to reach out for help.
When we notice hard feelings, we can ask what support we need. Maybe that's a new hobby, new ways to connect, or simply some self-compassion and room for a good cry. And you don't need a diagnosis to reach out for help.
What Helps:
Our natural instinct is to avoid or get rid of uncomfortable feelings. That makes sense, since they're designed to get our attention. But trying to control a feeling often leaves us overthinking and ruminating, in our own heads or by talking it through with others over and over.
Emotions are there for a reason. They're messages, giving us information and sometimes telling us we need to do something. They don't need to be fixed or made to go away. We do need to notice them, pay attention to their message, and let ourselves feel them. Distress tolerance helps us do that. It's being able to get through the discomfort some feelings bring without needing it to stop right away or reacting in ways that make things worse. Most of us aren't great at this yet.
What Helps:
In my experience as a parent and a psychologist, many kids can name their emotions but they are not always sure what to do with them. For some kids, especially tweens and teens, their struggles become part of who they are and how they connect with friends. Talking can help them feel understood, but it can also turn into comparing who has it worse or going over and over how awful things are. Talking about feelings is healthy. The trouble is when the conversation goes in circles and doesn't help anyone move forward.
This usually comes from a good place. Kids care about their friends. But caring about someone doesn't mean being responsible for their feelings or being available at all hours of the day and night. That's a lot for a friendship to carry, and tweens and teens are NOT equipped to carry it on their own.
What Helps:
Watching our kids struggle is hard enough. Add in all the gloom and doom about kids' mental health, and every struggle can start to feel alarming. Books like The Anxious Generation and shows like Netflix's Adolescence raise important concerns, but they can also leave parents on high alert. And we're way past the days of Dr. Spock as the go-to parenting resource. Parenting advice now feels a lot like nutrition and diet advice: there's so much of it, it keeps changing, and it often contradicts itself.
When my kids were struggling in school, I questioned what I was doing wrong. Every social media post celebrating another kid's accomplishment added to the pressure to figure out how to fix it. Yes, the problems needed to be addressed, but they weren't mine to fix. My job was to support my kids through them.
I know I'm not alone in that. When we're worried about our kids, it's natural to watch every mood and try to fix every hard moment. But that can backfire, too.
Struggle is part of life, for you and your child, and it's necessary for growth. Because we want what's best for our kids, it's easy to overprotect and smooth the way. On the flip side, it's also easy to get so tuned in to "problem" behaviors that we become overly critical. Both snowplowing and overcorrecting can chip away at kids' confidence and independence.
Confidence and resilience grow from trying new things and handling hard experiences. Our job is to guide kids through struggles and be the steady presence that helps them weather the storms.
What Helps:
None of this means we should stop paying attention to our mental health. Plenty of kids, teens, and parents are genuinely struggling, and more awareness means more people get help. So how do you know when you're stuck in a pothole and it's time to reach out? When you notice changes in feelings or behavior, here are four things to look for:
It's also worth looking at the bigger picture. Sometimes the struggle is triggered or magnified by the environment or situation: a classroom that isn't a good fit, a friend group that's turned unkind, or a stressful season at home. In those cases, support means helping the person and changing what we can about the environment.
What Helps:
If you or someone you care about has changes in mood, behavior, or functioning that are concerning, reach out for professional support. You don't need to check every box above before asking for help.
The bottom line is that we don't have to get mental health "right." There will be bumps, detours, and days when we feel lousy for no clear reason. That's part of the road. Feeling good all the time was never the goal. What helps is leaning on our people, being kind to ourselves, and trusting that we'll bounce back.
So yes, we can care too much. The goal is to care about mental health without making every feeling a problem to solve. Feeling bad once in a while doesn't mean we're doing life wrong. Good enough really is good enough.
An earlier version of this article appeared on Foorum Insider.
