Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard about the mental health crisis. Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued several advisories on the subject: we’re in the midst of a teen mental health crisis (one that started before the pandemic but was made worse by lockdowns, social media, and other factors), we’re in a loneliness epidemic, and the parents aren’t alright either.
As a mental health professional, I applaud the increased attention. Mental health and physical health are equally important and deeply interconnected, so more people paying attention to their mental health, and accessing services and support because of it, is a genuine upside.
But there’s a downside to this increased focus, too.
It’s easy to view normal emotions and struggles as pathological. We talk about being “depressed,” but are we truly experiencing a consistent shift in mood, energy, and motivation that’s interfering with daily life, or are we sad, disappointed, or exhausted because we lost a job, a friendship is in flux, or we’re simply overly busy? (For what it’s worth, I’ve decided it’s not a time-management problem. It’s often just having too much to do in the time allotted.) Are we lonely because we started a new school, moved, or hit a shift in friendship dynamics? It takes time and real-life activity to build meaningful relationships,that’s not a red flag,that’s just how it works.
Those feelings are normal responses to life. They signal a need for change, or for self-compassion. Maybe that means finding new hobbies while building new friendships, seeking out new opportunities to connect, or simply having a good cry during a tear-jerker.
Bottom Line: It’s genuinely OK to not be OK. Be patient with yourself as you navigate the challenges of everyday life. Let yourself feel your feelings without automatically labeling them a mental health disorder. Try a bulleted brain dump, thoughts, feelings, to-do’s, to get them out of your head and gain some perspective. Focus on what’s in your control: reach out more if you’re lonely, or step back from social media comparisons if you’re scrolling someone else’s curated highlight reel.
One of the biggest skills Gen Z may be missing is distress tolerance, essential for moving through life’s challenges. Negative feelings create discomfort (that’s the point; it’s what gets our attention). And in the face of discomfort, our instinct is to avoid it or get rid of it, which, ironically, prolongs the emotion and keeps us stuck. We end up overthinking and ruminating, alone and with others, focusing too much on the feeling and not enough on what to do about it.
Emotions serve a purpose. They give us information and often point us toward action. They don’t need to be fixed or eliminated.
Bottom Line: Acknowledge the emotion. Name it, and consider the context around it. Ask yourself: is this feeling, and its intensity, an accurate reflection of my situation? If not, breathe and picture letting it go. If it is, breathe and let your body settle so you can access the support you need. Choose an action that meets your needs and lines up with your values.
Today’s teens and tweens are far more aware of their emotions than generations past. What they often lack is a sense of what to do with them. Mental health struggles can start to become part of a teen’s identity, kids “one-upping” each other over their struggles, or commiserating to unhealthy lengths that keep them stuck in the loop instead of moving through it.
Teens and tweens can end up feeling responsible for each other’s emotions, leaning on each other to get through feelings at any hour of the day. That level of dependency isn’t normal in a friendship, and teens and tweens aren’t equipped to carry that kind of responsibility. Overtalking, oversharing, and dwelling on how awful things are doesn’t necessarily give either of them the perspective they actually need.
Bottom Line: Talk with your teen about healthy boundaries in friendship. Being a good friend doesn’t mean being available 24/7 or taking on responsibility for someone else’s emotions. Role-play what to say when a friend’s emotional needs feel like too much: “I care about you, and I can tell you’re going through a lot. This feels bigger than what I know how to help with, it might be time to talk to [a trusted adult].” They can even offer to go with their friend to have that conversation. Remind your kids they can also come to you, a school counselor, or another trusted adult about a friend who’s struggling. Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is just be a friend, hang out, enjoy each other’s company, without trying to be anyone’s therapist.
There’s a lot of gloom and doom for parents right now. Suicide was never a major worry for my parents’ generation; today it’s a common one. Between books like The Anxious Generation and shows like Netflix’s Adolescence, parents are bombarded with alarming statistics and worst-case scenarios, and we’re a long way past Dr. Spock being the go-to source on raising kids. The volume of parenting advice out there now rivals the amount of advice on weight loss and health hacks. No wonder parents feel so much pressure to “get it right.”
Bottom Line: Aim for awareness, not anxiety. Focus on building relationships, keeping communication open, setting limits, and talking honestly about potential pitfalls. Put struggles in context instead of catastrophizing individual difficulties. Sometimes parents have to tolerate things not being OK for a while. Kids move through their struggles at their own pace, with you as their anchor of support. It’s not easy, I know that from personal and professional experience both.
Life is full of struggle, and there’s no escaping that for you or your child. Struggle is what growth is made of, or at the very least, it’s the catalyst for change. Parents genuinely want the best for their kids, and in trying to give them a good life, set them up for success, and keep them happy, it’s easy to overprotect and smooth the path ahead. On the flip side, some parents become highly attuned to “problem” behaviors and end up overly critical, trying to help kids avoid the consequences of those behaviors. Both overprotection (snowplowing, helicoptering) and overcorrection end up undermining a child’s confidence and independence.
Self-esteem and confidence are built by trying new things and getting through hard experiences. The job of a parent is to guide kids through their struggles and provide the stability that helps them weather the storm, not to clear the storm out of the way.
Bottom Line: When your child hits a difficulty, resist the urge to immediately fix it or dismiss it. Acknowledge their feelings and let them feel them. Let them know you’re available to support them or help them think through options, and set limits when needed. Pay attention to, and name, the behaviors you want to see more of. “Cope out loud”, name your own emotions, how you’re working through them, and how you move to action when it’s time.
The bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is physiological (food, water, warmth), followed by safety and security. Next comes belonging and love, and finally, self-actualization.
Growing up secure in the basics frees us to become more self-focused. But figuring out how to be your “best self” and make the “best choices” can be deeply anxiety-provoking, especially with a never-ending stream of content telling us how to optimize everything.
Maybe weweren’tmade to be optimized. Maybe we’re better off prioritizing meaningful relationships, belonging, and community. When we get too preoccupied with self-improvement, we lose sight of everyone else, and we become more divisive and defensive in the process.
Happiness tends to emerge naturally out of community, meaningful relationships, and purpose, not out of relentless self-improvement.
Bottom Line: This week, shift your focus from self-improvement to connection. Reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while, join a group around a shared interest, or volunteer for something you care about. Be kind. Be helpful. Really listen. Be OK with simply being “OK,” instead of amazing.
An intense focus on mental health has its downsides, but the upside, more awareness, more people accessing help, is real. So when is it actually time to seek professional support? In graduate school, we were taught that emotions become problematic when they meet these four criteria:
An intense focus on mental health has its downsides, but the upside, more awareness, more people accessing help, is real. So when is it actually time to seek professional support? In graduate school, we were taught that emotions become problematic when they meet these four criteria:
Context matters here too. Sometimes a mismatched or difficult environment is what’s creating or worsening the issue, in which case, the work is about supporting the person and improving the environment around them.
Bottom Line: If you or someone you care about is experiencing persistent changes in mood, behavior, or functioning that meet the criteria above, reach out for professional support. Start with a consultation with a primary care provider or licensed mental health professional who can help assess the situation. Getting help early tends to lead to better outcomes, you don’t need to wait for a crisis to ask for support. If you’re in crisis, contact 988, the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or your local community health center.
Additional crisis resources: apa.org/topics/crisis-hotlines. If you need someone to listen without judgment, consider a Warm Line, warmline.org
The mental health conversation doesn’t have to swing between denial and obsession. We can acknowledge struggle without catastrophizing it, offer support without overprotecting, and prioritize emotional well-being without pathologizing normal human experience.
What we may need most isn’t more awareness of mental health problems, it’s a better understanding of mental health as a spectrum that includes both struggle and strength.
And sometimes, that means it’s fine to admit that feeling bad occasionally is actually perfectly fine.
